FullMetal Funnies
by Blast Alchemist
Summary: Some random, suger induced stories. If you want a quick laugh check it out.
1. WUSSY!

FullMetal Funnies

By: Blast Alchemist

This is just some V ERY random stuff. I had WAY TO MUCH sugar; I would tell you the details, but they're a bit fuzzy to me at this moment. I in no way own FullMetal Alchemist or any other copyrighted themes in this story. This contains cross-overs from another story I wrote, entitled FullMetal Alchemist: The Sibling Alchemists. If you want to find out who they are, then read the story. Well, enjoy it, as dumb as it may be.

Chapter One: WUSSY!

On an average day at the Devil's Nest pub, Kimblee wanted to take a drive around Dublith, but when he went out to start the car, it made a strange sound. Being the idiot that he is, he sat there listening for five hours. He then went in and found Greed.

"Hey Greed," he said, "The car is...uh...making funny sounds."

Greed then replied, clicking open a can of beer, "Then you should...uh...fix it."

Kimblee then went out to fix the car. He backed the car up on a downward slope, and as hazardous as that sounds, cranked the ass end up (picture the car looking like this /). While he was under the car, he noticed the car fall off of the crank. His butt cheeks, thinking quickly, walk him out from under the car. The car falls, barely missing Kimblee.

Greed, thinking it fell on Kimblee, runs out to help yelling, "Kimblee are you alright?"

Kimblee, thinking that he could get some sympathy, said, "Greed, get it off of me!"

Greed then clicked open another can of beer and said, "You ain't dead, get it off yourself and STOP BEING A WUSSY!"


	2. You're Still a WUSSY!

Chapter 2: You're Still a WUSSY!

This story starts at the Devil's Nest pub. Thom is enjoying a drink with Greed, and Kimblee walks into the room, followed by the Oblivion alchemist. Kimblee pulls a deck of cards out of nowhere, and asks if anyone wants to play. The four of them commence to play poker. Thom notices Kimblee pull an ace out of the sleeve of his jacket, and shoots the Crimson alchemist a death glare. Kimblee sees the glare, and asks what the problem is.

In an irritated tone, Thom says, "You're cheating, Kimblee."

Kimblee says, "I am not." Then he shrugs his shoulders, and five more aces fall out of his sleeves.

The Blast alchemist pulls a kunai knife out of nowhere, and slams it into the table in front of Kimblee. Kimblee jumps back out of his chair, and tries to run out of the room.

Thom jumps up and pulls the kunai out of the table, yelling, "Your ass is mine, Bomb Boy."

Thom tosses the kunai into the ceiling above Kimblee, and bows it up, along with a good chunk of the roof. It lands right on top of Kimblee, who proceeds to yell, "Ahh, my legs!" Then he turns to Greed and yells, "Help me, for the love of God."

Greed clicks open a can of beer, then says, "Shut up and stop being a WUSSY!" Thom and Jen fall to the ground laughing. Kimblee, whimpering with pain, attempts to crawl to the door, only to be stopped by Greed's foot stomping on his back.

Kimblee then yells, "My spine, you bastard, you broke my spine!"

Greed replies, "You're still a wussy. I said STOP BEING A WUSSY, GOD DAMN IT!"

The scene ends with everyone but Kimblee holding their sides from laughter.


	3. Kimblee's Bad Day

Chapter 3: Kimblee's Bad Day

The Oblivion and Blast alchemists are playing darts and Kimblee, the idiot, walks in front of the board as Thom throws a dart. The dart flies through the air, and lodges its self in Kimblee's forehead.

Kimblee jumps back screaming, "MY HEAD! YOU FREAKING BASTERD!"

Thom is laughing his head off, and Jen glares at her brother. Thom, wanting to have some fun, pulled out a penny and dropped it down Kimblee's pants. He then detonated it. Unfortunately for Kimblee, Thom made the blast a bit more powerful then he intended and blew of Kimblee's right butt cheek. Jen grabs the collar of Thom's coat, and yells at him over Kimblee's howls of pain.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? YOU RUINED HIS ASS!"

Thom then replies "I didn't mean for that to happen!" Then he cocks an eyebrow and says, "Why do you care about his ass anyway?"

Jen turns a deep shade of crimson (pun intended), and she slaps Thom across the face. She then grabs both Thom and Kimblee and a few minutes later throws them into chairs at the local hospital.

She turns to the doctor and says, pointing at Kimblee, "That one got his ass blown up." Then she points to Thom and says, "And that one is an asshole, FIX IT!"

The scene closes with the three of them sitting in the Devil's Nest, Kimblee's ass is covered in bandages, and Thom's already spiky hair is sticking straight up in the air, as a result off shock therapy(to keep him from being an asshole). Jen is sitting between them, looking very happy and content.


	4. The Torture of Roy Mustang

Chapter 4: The Torture of Roy Mustang.

Guess whose back on the sugar! I won't be torturing Kimblee this time. As the title states, Mustang will be our new victim…uh I mean…star. We all know he has it coming. To all the Roy fan girls that read this, I'm sorry, please don't track me down and kill me…please. Well enjoy.

The story begins in Roy Mustang's office at Central Headquarters. The Oblivion and Blast alchemists are sitting inside, Thom kicked back in a chair, looking EXTREMELY bored. The two of them are arguing about something.

Jen asks Thom, "Why are you and Greed so mean to Kimblee? What did he ever do to you?"

Thom then replies, "What do you mean we're mean to him? You broke a freaking pool cue over his head yesterday!"

The scene flashes back to Jen and Kimblee playing pool at the Devil's Nest. As Jen bends over to take her shot, Kimblee, seizing the opportunity, rubs his hand across her ass. Her eyes widened in surprise, and her face turns bright red. Then she spins around, and splinters the pool cue over his head.

The flashback ends.

Back in Roy's office, Jen looks very irritated and yells at her brother, "THAT'S BECAUSE HIS HAND WANDERED WHERE IT SHOULDN'T HAVE! Besides, you blew up his ass." (Refer to third chapter to see this happen)

Thom replies, "Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time, besides that's why I'm here, to find someone else to pick on while he recovers from the concussion that you gave him." He then comments, cocking an eyebrow, "I'm going to ask you this question again, why do you care about his ass?"

SLAP!

Thom pulls back, rubbing his cheek and yells, "Ouch! What the hell was that for?" He then says, getting up out of the chair, "Forget it, it's time for me to find my victim for the day…speak of the devil."

At that moment, Mustang walked through the door. Wanting to start of Roy's torture with a bang (pun intended), he blows the hinges off the door, making it fall flat on top of Roy Mustang. Jen, glad that it isn't Kimblee for a change, bursts out laughing and high-fives her brother. A groan comes from under the door, and Thom blows that up as well, sending Mustang through the floor. It takes both Havoc and Fuery to pull his body from underneath the floorboards, and the task is left to Riza Hawkeye to pull the splinters out of his ass.

A few hours later, in the same office, Roy is laying across his desk in a full body cast, while Thom flicks pennies at him. Greed walks in, takes one look at Mustang, looks at Thom's grinning face, gives a knowing nod, and says, "Kimblee's indisposed, so Mustang took his place today, huh?"

Thom nods, and tosses Greed a penny, saying, "You want to flick one at him?"

Greed smiles, nods, carbonizes his arm, and flicks the penny, knocking Roy off of his desk and into the wall. Outside the door, all that can be heard is maniacal laughter, and Mustang's groans of pain. And thus, the scene ends.


	5. FullMetal SmackDown!

Chapter 5: FullMetal SmackDown!

Guess who's back on the sugar! To those of you who are fans of wrestling, you should like this. I would like to give credit to the author, UltimatePalmTree, for giving me the idea for Kimblee's theme music (Twisted Transistor). All of the theme songs belong to their respective owners. This idea came to me while I was playing Smackdown! vs. Raw 2005. I have incorporated actual wrestling moves and entrance music into this. For example, Greed's music is the same as the general manager of Raw, Eric Bishoff. Well, enjoy.

This starts at the somewhat altered Devil's Nest pub. Where there would normally be a bar, stools, and tables, there is now a fully operational wrestling ring. The Blast alchemist is seen wearing a full suit, with his normally spiky hair slicked back. His sunglasses, which are normally perched on his forehead, are covering his eyes. There are seats set up all around the ring. Thom smiles, and begins to walk toward the ring. As he does, the song, Metalinges by Alter Bridge plays aloud. The lyrics go like this,

_On this day, I see clearly, _

_Everything has come to life, _

_A bitter place and a broken dream, _

_And we'll leave it all behind. _

The music ends as he enters and heads to the center of the ring. He then says aloud, "The show will begin shortly. We just have to finish preparations." He then gets out of the ring and walks over to stand next to Greed, who amazingly, is also in a suit. A moment later, the Oblivion alchemist attempts to come through the door, only to be stopped by none other than Alex Louise Armstrong and Izumi's husband Sig, who are both wearing security guard uniforms. Izumi looks over at them, nods, and they allow the Oblivion alchemist to pass.

She instantly walks over to where Thom and Greed are standing, and grabs her brother by his tie. She then says, "I have two questions for you: 1. Why are you in a suit? and 2. What the hell did you do?"

Greed cuts in saying, "We, my dear Oblivion, have created the new sports sensation, Fullmetal Smackdown. Would you care to stay and watch the match?"

Jen replies, "That all depends on who's fighting."

Thom answers with a smirk, "It's Law vs. Kimblee."

Jens eyes widen in surprise for two reasons. The first reason is because her brother somehow convinced Kimblee to fight for him, against Law of all people. The second is because the Crimson alchemist had walked up and put his arm around her shoulders.

Kimblee said with a smile, "You came to watch me fight? How sweet."

Jen spins around and can't help but blush when she notices that Kimblee is shirtless and has his normally tied up hair loose. Spinning around so that he doesn't notice her blush (and failing miserably), she notices for the first time that Law has been standing behind Greed. He is wearing black trunks, and looks ready for a fight. Greed smiles and walks toward the ring, the following music playing as he does.

_I'm back and I'm better than ever, _

_Got a knack for making things better,_

_Face facts, cuz your opinion don't matter, _

_This maniac is gonna step on whoever, _

_It's time, get in line, cuz I'm gonna make some changes,_

_Kicking ass, taking names, so get your ass in line. _

The music dies and he steps into the middle of the ring, followed by Frank Archer, who is wearing a referee's striped shirt. Greed raises a microphone and says, "The games shall now begin." Greed leaves and Archer takes the microphone.

Archer says, "From Lab 5, the Crimson alchemist, Zolf Kimblee." As he says this, the song Twisted Transistor starts playing and Kimblee enters the ring. Archer then says, "and his opponent, also from Lab 5, the bull chimera Law." The song Bombshell starts to play as Law enters the ring. The two opponents walk towards each other in the ring, Archer standing between them.

Jen turns to the Blast alchemist and asks, "How the hell did you enlist Archer as an associate to your scheme?"

He replies, "Simple my dear sister, we just gave him a cut of the profits; that, and he wants to see Kimblee get creamed."

Archer states that the announcers for the fight have arrived. Taking the four seats at the announcers table are Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc, Ed Elric, and his brother Al. Archer smirks at Kimblee and says, "Lets get ready to rumble."

As the ring bell sounds, Kimblee lunges at Law and attempts a German Suplex, only to have it reversed into a Piledriver. Law picks up Kimblee and Irish Whips him into the ropes.

Taking the opportunity, Jen asks Kimblee, "How on Earth did my brother convince you to do this?"

Kimblee smiles and answers, "He arranged a match that I would do anything to see." He stops talking because Law grabs him by the hair and drags him to the center of the ring. Then he drop kicks him.

Izumi's voice is heard over the crowd yelling, "Hit him with a chair!"

Greed smiles and tosses a steel chair into the ring, which Law picks up and slams into Kimblee's back. The now dented chair is tossed from the ring, and Kimblee is put into the Master Lock. Unable to stand the pressure, Kimblee taps out. Archer raises Laws hand in the air and declares him the winner. Dorchette drags Kimblee from the ring and sits him in a chair next to Thom and Greed.

To be continued in the next chapter.

Next match, bra and panties!


	6. FullMetal SmackDown! Part 2

Chapter 6: FullMetal SmackDown! Part 2

This is the second part to my favorite chapter in this story. I made this chapter for all of my male readers. As I stated at the end of the last chapter, this will be a Bra and Panties match. I won't tell you who the fighters are, but I will tell you that my sister is going to KILL ME when she reads this. Enjoy this, because if I'm not dead after Jen reads this, I will be horrible mangled…. Jen, put down the bat…NOOOOOOOO!

Kimblee has a happy look on his face, and Jen can't figure out why, I mean, he just got his ass handed to him by the bull chimera. Her eyes widen in shock as Greed and Thom announce the next match.

Greed says into the microphone, "This next match is for all of the men out there."

Thom continues where Greed left off. "It's a bra and panties match between the snake chimera, Marta, and our own Oblivion alchemist." Having said that, he flashes his sister a very mischievous grin. Jen looks like she is about to explode with fury.

Kimblee pulls Jen close, giving her his usual grin, and whispers in her ear, "I can't wait to see the lingerie."

She turns with a furious look to her brother and yells in his face, "Why in hell did you sign me up for this?"

Thom replies with an innocent look, "It was the only way that I could get Kimblee to fight."

She turns back to Kimblee, who by this time has closed his eyes, and is day dreaming (you can guess about what). Greed and Thom push Jen off to the dressing room to change for her match. A few minutes later, she walks out in a belly shirt and short shorts.

She yells at Thom and Greed, blushing deeply, "I absolutely refuse to fight dressed like this!"

Thom says, pulling out his wallet, "How much?"

She says, "Put that away because I will not fight like this!"

Greed whines in a begging tone, "Come on, do it for Kimblee."

After much groveling, Jen finally submits. She walks out to the ring and gets even more pissed when she notices that Marta is wearing her normal pants and tank top.

She turns to Thom and once again yells in his face, "How come I have to dress like a slut, but she doesn't?"

Thom replies, "Sorry sis, but Kimblee bribed us."

She gives Kimblee an icy stare as he slips Marta a fifty dollar bill (he's bribing her to make sure that she wins).

She says, "Wait, hold on, Marta can stretch. How the hell am I supposed to beat her? Thomas, you made this an unfair fight on purpose, didn't you?"

He replies, "Yes, yes I did."

She scowls and says, pointing at Thom and Greed, "You know I'm going to kill you two for this." Then she points to a grinning Kimblee and says, "That goes for you too, Crimson Alchemist."

The ring bell sounds and Jen is dragged backwards by Marta.

Marta says, "Sorry Jen, it's nothing personal, but Kimblee bribed me to make sure that you lose." Then she ripped off Oblivion's shirt. A high-pitched whistle is heard over the roar of the crowd, and Jen recognizes the voice as Kimblee's.

"_Note to self, kick Kimblee's ass later!" _

Back at the announcers table, Ed has covered Al's eyes as he stares transfixed at the sight before him. In the audience, Sloth does the same to Wrath.

Mustang yells, "Off goes the shirt!" Then he yells to Marta, "Try to get the shorts off too!"

Havoc, meanwhile, is nursing a nosebleed. Kimblee has a look on his face like he just blew up a building. Jen jumps up with a growl, and rips off Marta's tank top.

Greed gapes and says, "This is hot!"

Thom, who had been paying little attention, has his eyes fixed on Marta.

Jen turns to Archer and says, "You can stop staring now, Frank!"

Marta lunges at her, but she sidesteps, and seizes the opportunity by pulling down Marta's pants. The bell sounds, and Archer raises Jen's hand in victory. She puts her shirt back on, and jumps down to where Thom, Greed, and Kimblee are sitting.

She pops her knuckles, and pointing at all three of them says, "I'm going to kick all three of your asses!"

The scene ends with the three of them running away from a very pissed of Oblivion alchemist.


	7. FullMetal At The Movies

Chapter 7: Fullmetal at the Movies

I've had lots of sugar, BLAST IS BACK, and I'm ALIVE even though my sister freed the beast all over the back of my head for the bra and panties match! Hahahahaha! Seriously, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any of the movies that I make fun of, especially Star Wars (hell, if I did, it would be George Lucas kissing my ass, not the other way around). I wish I owned it. If I make fun of your favorite movie, please don't be angry, it's all in good humor. Besides, if it makes you feel any better, Star Wars is my favorite movie, and I am royally screwing it over. I got this idea while watching Robot Chicken on Adult Swim. Don't own that either. This will be a multiple chapter story. I make it muti chapter so you, my faithful readers, don't have to read through one VERY long chapter. My sister thinks I'm demented, what do you think? Enjoy.

I don't know nor do I care to know how, but the Fullmetal Alchemist cast convinced Hollywood to give them unlimited access to all movie sets and props. We start this story on the set of the hit movie, Star Wars. The Alchemist cast is redoing the climactic battle between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Greed is playing Vader, and Thom is playing Luke.

Greed pretends to cut Thom's hand off, and says his own version of the famous words, "Thom, (Vader breathing sound)… I am your father!"

Thom, taking the script in his own hands, says, "Oh my god, my dad is a pimp! Now I officially need therapy."

Greed pulls off the Darth Vader helmet and says, "Come on, I ain't that bad."

Thom replies, "Yeah, you are!"

Kimblee, who was playing director, yells, "Cut!"

The scene switches to backstage, where Thom and Greed have found the lightsabers and started a duel. Just as it starts, Jen and Kimblee walk in and sit down to watch. A few minutes later, Archer walks in, and gives the two combatants a disapproving look.

Then he says, "You two are really childish, do you know that?"

He then walks over to the prop box and pulls something out. He spins around holding Darth Maul's double bladed lightsaber and says, "Besides, this is a man's weapon." Believe it or not, he joins the two of them in a duel.

Jen stares wide-eyed, turns to Kimblee, and asks, "Is that Frank Archer playing Star Wars with Greed and my brother? Did you spike my drink again in another obvious attempt to get me to get to bed with you?"

Kimblee replies, just as shocked as her, "Um…yes, but this isn't from the alcohol."

The battle ends with Archer "accidentally" slamming the lightsaber blade into the back of Thom's skull, rendering him unconscious. He awoke several hours later, in a daze.

He looked at Archer and said, "You hit me in the head with a freaking lightsaber!" He rubs his throbbing head as he speaks.

Archer gives him his most innocent look (have you guys noticed that he is waaay out of character?) and says, "It was an accident."

The scene switches to Ed and Al who are rummaging through the props from the movie King Arthur. Ed pulls out Excalibur (the sword is almost as big as he is) and Al pulls out a lance. They commence to sword fight. Mustang appears out of nowhere, brandishing a cutlass from Pirates of the Caribbean, and joins the fight. The fight ends when Ed loses his grip on his sword, and its hilt smacks Mustang between the eyes. Ed and Al run off, not wanting to feel Roy's fire when he wakes up.

A few hours later, after Roy regains conciseness, he stumbles onto the set of Austin Powers. He picks up Austin's blue suit and makes his way to where Riza is sitting and talking to Jen. He has also donned a pair of fake glasses, and looks exactly like Austin. He taps Hawkeye on the shoulder, and when she turns and looks at him, says Austin's catch-phrase, "Yeah, baby!"

Riza looks at her commanding officer with disgust. She becomes even more disgusted when Breda, also coming from the Austin Powers set, walks up dressed as Fat Bastard (I know, it's a gross mental image). The disgust turns to laughter as Hoenhiem (Ed and Al's father) walks up dressed as Dr. Evil, with Ed following behind, dressed in the same outfit.

Hoenhiem says, "I am Dr. Evil," then he points to Ed and says, "and this is my Mini-me."

Ed blows up, and yells, "I AM NOT MINI, GOD DAMN IT!"

For now we will leave this "charming" scene and return to Thom, Greed, and Archer. They walk through the many movie sets, trying to find somewhere to have fun. Major Armstrong suddenly jumps out of nowhere in a dinosaur costume.

Greed yells, "Everybody run, it's Godzilla!" The three of them run in the opposite direction, leaving a dumbfounded Armstrong in the dust.

To be continued…

Author's Note: If you have any suggestions for movies to screw with, just put them into a review. I will not turn down any suggestions. As I know the suggested movie, I will put it in.


	8. FullMetal At The Movies Part 2

Chapter 8: FullMetal at the Movies Part 2: God Walks Among Them.

This chapter is dedicated to Beauty Blade Alchemist, who took the time to review, and gave me the ideas for the movies I will be screwing with. I don't own FullMetal Alchemist or the movies I mess with. I still need ideas, so please leave movie suggestions in a review.

After the little "episode" with Armstrong, Thom, Greed, and Archer walked on to the set of The Little Mermaid. Roy, Kimblee, and Ed soon joined them (wait a minute, Little Mermaid was an animated movie. How do they have a set from it? Oh well, I'll improvise). Some weird stuff happened when Envy ran up and turned into Sebastian. It got even weirder when he started playing the music for the song Under the Sea. As the music started, everyone got caught up in the moment and started SINGING! The song lyrics go like this. (What? Yes, I know the whole song by heart, what's wrong with that?)

_The seaweed is always greener _

_in somebody else's lake. _

_You dream about going up there… _

_but that is a big mistake. _

_Just look at the world around you, _

_right here on the ocean floor. _

_Such wonderful things surround you, _

_what more is you looking for? _

_Under the sea, _

_Under the sea, _

_Darling it's better down where it's wetter, _

_take it from me. _

_Up on the shore they work all day, _

_out in the sun they slave away… _

_While we devoting full time to floating, _

_Under the sea. _

_Under the sea, under the sea, _

_Since life is sweet here, _

_we got the beat here, _

_naturally. _

_Even the sturgeon and the ray, _

_they get the urge and start to play. _

_We got the spirit; you got to hear it, _

_Under the sea. _

_Under the sea, under the sea, _

_Where the sardine begin the beguine, _

_it's music to me. _

_What do they got, a lot of sand? _

_We got a hot crustacean band. _

_Each little clam here,_

_know how to jam here, _

_Under the sea. _

_Each little slug here, _

_cutting a rug here, _

_Under the sea. _

_Each little snail here, _

_know how to wail here, _

_that's why it's hotter _

_Under the water, _

_yeah we in luck here _

_down in the muck here, under the sea. _

(Don't you just HATE THAT SONG? I had to play it over in my head at least twenty times to get it right, so I do now.)

After the song ended, Roy turned to Ed and said, "Hey, FullMetal, your perfect for this part, The Little Mermaid."

Ed's face went dark and he yelled at Roy, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THEN A WATER MOLECULE?"

Everyone started laughing, and it continued till Greed said, "Gentlemen, what goes on under the sea…." they all said this next part in chorus, "Stays under the sea."

All of their faces held looks of horror as Lust, Jen, and Riza walked up with a video camera.

Thom asked, "How long have you three been filming?"

Jen smiled maliciously and said, "Long enough."

Lust smirked and said, "Hello, blackmail."

Jen looked at Archer and asked, "Frank, are you high or drunk?"

Archer replies, "Neither, I crashed and sobered hours ago."

The Jen asked, "How do you know the words to that song?"

Archer just stares at the ground.

Then Kimblee exclaims, "Oh my God, Archer watches Disney movies!"

They all heard music and turned to see Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and Breda, coming from the set of Napoleon Dynamite, driving up in Pedro's cousin's low-rider.

Havoc turned on the hydraulics and as the car bounced up and down, he yelled to Roy, "Hop in, Colonel."

Mustang smiled and said, "I have a better idea."

He ripped off his military jacket, and revealed a "Vote for Pedro" shirt. He then started dancing exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. The dance was flawless (Am I the only one that gets the feeling that he has practiced this?). He looks at the three girls, smiles, and says, "Does this turn you on, ladies?"

The three girls gave him a look of disgust. Lust turned her fingers into blades, Jen drew her sword, and Hawkeye cocked her gun.

As they started walking towards Mustang, Kimblee said, "This fic is getting weird, who the hell writes this stuff?"

After his comment, a bolt of lightning struck the ground in the center of the Fullmetal cast.

When the smoke cleared, it revealed a second Blast Alchemist, who said, "I write it."

The Blast Alchemist from the story said, "Who the hell are you?"

The second Thom replied, "I am the real Thomas Roadruck, pen name Blast Alchemist, but you can call me Writer."

Fuery inquired, "So if you're the writer, technically, aren't you our God?"

Writer smiled and replied, "In a way, yes, I am."

Kimblee's face held a look of outrage. He yelled at the writer, "If you are the all knowing, all powerful entity in this world, how come I never get any? I mean, can't you just make Jenny…"

Writer raised his hand and said, "Don't go there, Kimblee! If you feel that you must continue this conversation, just remember this: I have the power to put you in a revealing, frilly pink dress, and send your ass back to prison!"

Kimblee jumps behind Jen and says, "Jenny, don't let him do it!"

Riza smiles and says, "I think I am going to like this guy."

Kimblee says, once again, "You never answered my question about…"

Writer's face turns dark and he says, "I told you what would happen if you continued this conversation."

The writer snaps his fingers, and a pink dress appeared on Kimblee. He then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Riza smiles again and says, "I think I really like this guy."

Archer comments, rubbing his eyes, "I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that!"

Kimblee reappears a moment later, with the color drained from his face.

Greed glances at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

Kimblee stares at the ground and says, "I would rather not talk about it."

Jen throws her arms around him and lays her head on his shoulder before saying, "Aww, poor Kimmy."

Kimblee stares dumbfounded into space, and then says, "Thank you, God."

Writer smiles again and says, "Don't mention it, but this is a one-shot deal, so don't get used to it."

Mustang crawls on his knees over to Writer's feet and says, "Oh, merciful one, could you please put Riza in a miniskirt, just for one minute?"

Writer stands thinking about it for a moment, and then says, "I don't know…ah, the hell with it."

He snaps his fingers and a miniskirt appears on Lt. Hawkeye. He then says, "Ask, and you shall receive," then he points to Kimblee and says, "except you, Zolf."

A muffled "damn" is heard from the back of the group.

He lowers his hand and says, "I'd better get going, but I'll be back from time to time to check on you. Greed, keep Kimblee in line for me. Well, see you later." He snaps his fingers one last time and disappears. The scene ends.

Author's Note: As you read, I put my self into the story. I will be entering my fic from time to time from now on, so watch out for a character called Writer. P.S. If you give me ideas, I will dedicate a chapter to you too.


	9. Therapy with Mr Rogers

Chapter 9: Therapy with Mr. Rogers.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the FullMetal cast met Mr. Rogers? Well I am about to show you what would happen. Thanks to all of you who took the time to review, I really appreciate it. Oh, one more thing, I forgot to mention that Thom is always smoking, so from now on he will always have a cigarette.

This starts with a letter to Mr. Rogers from Bradley, and Dante. It goes as follows:

To: Rob Rogers

From: Furer Bradley and Dante

Mr. Rogers, we would like to thank you for agreeing to accept the following people for therapy. I have included a short bio for each.

Patient 1: Greed- Greed is a homunculus who can make his body harder then diamond.

Patient 2: Thomas Roadruck- He is a former state alchemist that enjoys blowing things to bits. He is a wild-card that would sooner kill you then say hello.

Patient 3: Zolf Kimblee- Also a former state alchemist, he also enjoys blowing things up.

Patient 4: Jennifer Roadruck- An alchemist who can control darkness. She has anger issues with her brother.

Once again, thank you and good luck, you'll need it.

Furer Bradley.

Lady Dante.

Mr. Rogers put down the letter and walked into the room where his patients were waiting. The two that he assumed were Thomas and Greed were drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. He then looked at Jennifer, who was glaring coldly at the man beside her. The last man, who must be Kimblee, was rubbing a bright red slap mark on his cheek.

He smiled at them and said, "Hello there, my name is Mr. Rogers, and I'm your therapist. Why don't you introduce yourselves to each other?"

Kimblee said in an irritated tone, "We already know each other."

Rogers smiled again and said, "Well I don't know you, so why don't you introduce yourselves to me?" He points to Greed and says, "Why don't you start?"

Greed said, "My name is Greed. I love beer, women, money, and smokes."

Rogers said, "Alright, who's next?"

Thom says, "My name is Thom. I like drinking, killing, and blowing shit up."

Kimblee continued, "I'm Kimblee." He points to Thom and said, "The same as him."

Jen finishes, saying, "I'm Jennifer. Anything else about me is none of your business."

Mr. Rogers left eye twitches. He says, "Well, it's nice to meet you all. Now then, let's get started."

He pulls some plushy puppets out of his desk, which were in a crude likeness of the four patients. He then said, "Now, I want you to take the puppet that resembles you." They took the puppets, and he continued. "These are your new friends. I want you to use them to show how you feel."

Thom took one look at his puppet and tossed it over his shoulder, Greed used his as an ash-tray, Jen left hers sitting on her desk, and Kimblee contemplated blowing his up.

Mr. Rogers looked at Greed and Thom and said, "I'm sorry, but there is no smoking in here. You'll have to put those cigarettes out."

Greed put his out on his puppet and Thom blows his up.

Rogers's eye twitches again.

After they put out the cigarettes, he said, "Now then, I want you to switch puppets with the person next to you."

Thom and Greed switch puppets, and Jen and Kimblee switch. Greed looks at Thom's puppet and, realizing that something is missing, glues one of Thom's kunai to its hand. Thom, with a look of utmost boredom on his face, pulls a kunai out of his coat, and proceeds to toss it up and catch it.

Rogers looks over and notices that a sword is leaning against Jen's desk and that she is cleaning a gun.

He says in a shaky tone, "I'll have to confiscate your weapons."

He walks over and picks up Jen's gun and sword. He walks over to Thom, who stands up and pulls six kunai out of his pockets. He then begins to pull knife after knife out of his coat.

After making a large pile of them on his desk, he takes off his still knife loaded coat and hands it to Mr. Rogers, saying, "You know what, just take the whole damn coat."

Rogers walks over to his desk and puts them in a drawer, which he locks.

"Now then, the person you have the puppet of is your therapy buddy. They will help you express your feelings. Remember, it's o.k. to feel sad and upset sometimes. Well, I think we've made some real progress today. I'll see you all tomorrow."

The scene ends with the four patients walking out of the office, and Mr. Rogers's eye twitching uncontrollably.


	10. Therapy, Session 2

Chapter 10: Therapy, Session 2

This is the second session of therapy with Mr. Rogers. An old "friend" pops in for a visit in this chapter. I am planning on adding two more characters. Please review and give me suggestions for the new patients.

The four patients were, once again, in the office off Mr. Rogers, who had "redecorated" his office a bit. He had padded the walls and ceiling, and had put bars on the windows.

Mr. Rogers walked into the room and said, "Hello again, I hope you all had a wonderful day yesterday."

Kimblee banged his head on his desk and said, "What the hell is wrong with the god damn writer. He must be laughing his ass off right now."

Greed looked at him and said, "Maybe you shouldn't bad mouth the writer. Remember what he did last time?"

Kimblee remembered the pink dress and shuddered.

Mr. Rogers spoke up again and said, "We will be having a special guest joining us today."

Writer of all people appeared with an explosion.

Kimblee's eyes bulged and he yelled, "OH NO, NOT YOU!"

Writer smiled and said, "You don't seem very happy to see me."

Kimblee snapped back, "WHY WOULD I! YOU PUT ME IN A DRESS AND SENT ME TO PRISON! YOU CAN DIE AND ROT IN HELL!"

Writer raised his hand and went to snap his fingers, when Kimblee yelled, "Don't do it! I'll be good, I promise!" Writer smiled again and said, "That's what I thought."

Mr. Rogers stepped forward and said, "Now, I want you to get out your little anger buddies."

The four of them pulled out their puppets.

"Now, I want you to use the puppets to tell what you did yesterday and how you feel."

The four of them groaned and slammed their heads on their desks.

"Why don't you go first, Greed?"

Greed picked up his puppet of Thom and made it say, "I feel good because I drank lots of beer, smoked lots of cigarettes, and scored with three chicks."

Mr. Rogers's eye twitched once again and he said, "You're next, Thomas."

Thom yelled frantically, "THE PUPPETS ATE MY BRAIN!"

Mr. Rogers's eye twitched and he said, "Thomas, are you intoxicated (drunk)?"

Thom replied, "No…maybe…yes."

Twitch, twitch went Mr. Rogers's eye as he said, "Okay, lets move on. You're next, Zolf."

Kimblee raised his puppet of Jen and made it say, "I tried hitting on Jenny and she slapped me. That makes me feel sad."

Everyone stared at Kimblee and inched their desks away from him.

Mr. Rogers said, "Okay, let's finish this. Jennifer, you're last."

Jen held up her Kimblee puppet and said, "I slapped Kimblee for hitting on me yesterday. That was the high point of my day."

twitch

Rogers said, "Alright, now that that's over with, I think our guest would like to say a few words."

Writer stood up and walked to the front of the room. He then said, "You are probably cursing my name for throwing you into this so-called "hellhole," but you are not alone. Two new patients will be joining you next session. That is all." He snapped his fingers and disappeared in another explosion.

The scene ends with them leaving the room and Mr. Rogers, as usual, with a twitching eye.


	11. The Movies Return

Chapter 11: The Movies Return

Guess who's high again! This time it isn't from sugar (just kidding, it is). I am dedicating this chapter to Roy-Fan-33, who gave me the ideas for the movies I will be screwing with. (Haven't I written this before?) I will continue therapy with Mr. Rogers after this chapter. Sorry it took so long to update, I just got a job, and my boss is just like Izumi (She yells a lot). Enjoy.

Thom, Greed, Jen, Kimblee, Envy, and Ed were sitting around at the movie sets once again. Thom was rocking back and forth in the fetal position, and sucking his thumb.

Envy looked at him and asked Greed, "What's wrong with him?"

Greed answered, "Rogers cut him off from cigarettes, he's gone three weeks without one and he's not doing very well."

Havoc happened to walk by at that moment, and Thom jumped forward, grabbed his leg and said, "Havoc, I have one VERY important question. This may sound stupid, but do you have a smoke?"

Havoc handed him a cigarette, which he instantly lit. Having smoked a cigarette, Thom returned to normal and said, "How can we enjoy making fun of movies when we have to go back to that fruitcake Mr. Rogers tomorrow?"

Envy asked, "How is therapy anyway?"

Greed snapped back, "Horrible!"

Ed and Envy began laughing their asses off. Envy disappeared for a few moments, and reappeared as one of the aliens from Scary Movie 3. He threw his arms around Kimblee's neck, and started choking him.

Kimblee spun around, and punched him in the jaw saying, "What the hell is your problem?"

Envy put on a look of innocence and said, "I was saying hello."

Kimblee says, "What?"

Jen explains, "That's how the aliens say hello. Haven't you ever seen Scary Movie 3?"

"No," replied Kimblee.

Jen smirked and said, "Envy, show Kimblee how the aliens say good-bye."

Anyone who has seen the movie knows what happens next. Envy kicked Kimblee in the testicles.

Greed shot Jen a disapproving look and says, "Now that was just mean. That is the one thing you never do to a guy, no matter what!"

Jen smirked and said, "I didn't do anything to him, Envy did."

Thom clicked open a beer and shook his head. He then said, "You're a sick, sadistic bitch, Jen."

Jen smirked again and replied, "I know."

Archer walked up and, noticing Kimblee writhing on the ground in pain, asked, "What happened to him."

Thom replied, "Jen made Envy kick him in the testicles."

Archer looked at Jen and said, "You're a sick, sadistic bitch."

Thom jumped up and yelled, "Thank you!"

Kimblee stumbled to his feet and said, "Envy, I am going to kick your ass!"

About that time, Mustang walked up pushing a prop from Scary Movie 4 (the torture machine from inside the tripod at the end of the movie). The mechanical arms reached out and latched onto Kimblee's nipples and they began to rotate.

Thom started to laugh and then said, "Enjoy your purple nurple."

Kimblee tried to run away, but was flattened by a tripod.

Scar came out and yelled, "DEATH TO ALL STATE ALCHEMISTS!"

He flew off somewhere, and Kimblee pried himself from the ground saying, "What the hell is wrong with the writer today? If he were here right now, I would kick his ass!"

Kimblee wore a look of horror as a pink dress suddenly appeared on him, and he yelled, "I'm sorry! Please don't do it!"

The scene ends with Kimblee in the fetal position, and every one else laughing hysterically.


	12. Therapy, Session 3

Chapter 12: Therapy, Session 3

I'm sugar high again, baby! Take my advice, twelve candy bars plus six sodas makes for a bitch'n day. Therapy is back! Rogers is in for a loooooong day. Today, he talks to everyone about their problems. As I stated previously, there are two new patients joining in this chapter. Enjoy.

Thom, Jen, Greed, and Kimblee walk into Mr. Rogers's office for the third time. They look over and notice that there are two more desks than usual. As Mr. Rogers enters the room, the door opens and Envy and Ed are pushed inside by Dante and Pride.

Thom looks over at them and exclaims, "Ha, vengeance for yesterday! You guys shouldn't have laughed!"

Envy shoots him a venomous glare and says, "Shut up, Thom."

Ed takes a seat by Thom and Greed, while Envy takes the seat by Jen and Kimblee.

Mr. Rogers smiles at them happily and says, "Hello friends. I'm glad we're together again."

Thom yells, "Screw off, Rogers!"

Rogers frowns and says, "Thomas, do I have to call security again?"

Thom shoots him a malicious look and says, "No."

Rogers smiles again and says, "Now, today I will talk to you about your personal problems. I'd like to ask everyone but Thomas and Greed to wait outside of the room."

After everyone else left, Mr. Rogers turned to the two of them and said, "Now, I'd like to know why you are constantly drinking, smoking, and flirting with loose women."

Thom replies, being a smart ass, "Because it's fun."

Greed nods in agreement.

twitch

Rogers said, "Alright, Greed could you please leave the room and ask Jennifer to come in?"

After Greed left and Jen took his seat, Mr. Rogers continued, "Now, we need to talk about your sibling rivalry issues."

Jen says in an irritated tone, "What is there to talk about? We want to kill each other, end of story."

twitch, twitch

"Okay, Thomas, can you leave and send Zolf in here?"

After he left and Kimblee came in, Rogers said, "Now then, Jennifer, I would like to know why you feel you must always hit Zolf."

"He tries hitting on me so many times that it just gets annoying. It wouldn't bother me so much if he would keep his hands to himself and stop making suggestive statements," she said.

"Well, now I think that we have found the problem in this relationship. Could the two of you go outside and sent Edward and Envy in?"

After they switched, Mr. Rogers continued again. "I heard that you two have problems with your father. Let's talk about that."

Envy snapped back, "Hoenhiem is not my father anymore. He may have been when I was human, but now he is just the guy who created and abandoned me."

twitchy

Rogers said, "Edward lets hear from you."

Ed said, "That bastard abandoned us and I will never forgive him!"

twitchy, twitchy

"We're done now. Envy, could you ask the others to come back in please?"

After everyone had taken their seats, Rogers said, "I'd like you all to go take a lunch break. Be back here in an hour."

After they left the room, Mr. Rogers pulled a tape recorder from his desk drawer and spoke into it, saying, "I have found the roots of everyone's problems. Edward and Envy have abandonment issues with their father. Thomas has a drinking and smoking problem. Jennifer has issues with Zolf. Greed, well, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, Rogers."

An hour later, the group returned. Mr. Rogers greeted them cheerfully and said, "I've evaluated you all and I think that I have found solutions to your problems. Thomas, Greed, I propose that the two of you give up smoking, drinking, and loose women until our next session. Edward, Envy, I recommend that the two of you find your father and try to work your abandonment issues out peacefully. Jennifer, I suggest that you and Zolf go out on one date and see how it goes."

The scene ends with Rogers smiling happily and the rest of them with anime bulgy eyes.


	13. I Never Did It

Chapter 13: I Never Did It

This is an idea I got while watching Family Guy. This contains some suggestive themes, heavy language, and just plain old funniness. This is VERY random. My sister thinks I'm crazy, and she's right. Enjoy.

This takes place at the Devil's Nest. Thom, Greed, Jen, Archer, Kimblee, Lust, Sloth, Envy, Ed, Winry, Riza, and Mustang were sitting around drinking when Kimblee said, "I've got an idea, let's play I never did it. It's a game where someone says something they've never done, and if someone has done it they drink."

Everyone agreed, and they started to play. Envy started by saying, "I've never done alchemy." Everyone except him, Archer, Lust, Sloth, Hawkeye, Winry, and Greed drank.

Lust was next. She said, "I never slept with Greed." Nobody drank.

Ed said, "I never stuck a firecracker up a dogs ass, and blew it up." Thom, Kimblee, and Mustang drank.

Winry said, "I never masturbated to a picture of Ed." To everyone's shock, Envy drank.

Ed's eyes bulged and he yelled at Envy, "YOU SICK BASTARD!"

Thom continued by saying, "I never tried to get Riza to sleep with me, only to have her shoot me." Roy drank.

Sloth said, "I never blew anybody to pieces before." Thom and Kimblee drank.

Archer said, "I never got sent to jail in a pink dress and raped by five men at once." Kimblee's hand shook as he drank.

Mustang said, "I never flipped off the Furor." Thom drank.

Jen said, "I never smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in one day." Thom drank again.

Hawkeye said, "I never shot myself in the foot." Thom drank again.

A moment later, Armstrong burst into the room.

Greed gave him an evil look and said, "You know, you could have just opened the door. Oh well, as long as you're here, you might as well play with us." Greed's turn was next and he said, "I never flexed my muscles at a cow." Armstrong drank.

A few hours later, Thom, Greed, and Kimblee had two or three times as many beer bottles in front of them as everyone else, and the Blast alchemist was swaggering drunk.

Lust thought for a moment and then said, "What else is there? Uh…I never gave the reach-around to a spider monkey while singing the national anthem."

Thom exclaimed, "Oh, come on!" then took a drink.

Mustang leaned back in his chair and said, "I never tried hitting on Jen, only to have her stab me in the nuts, shoot me in the foot, and kick me in the face."

Kimblee started downing beer after beer until Riza stopped him and asked, "Why are you drinking so many?"

Kimblee replied, "Because it's happened a lot."

Archer said, "I never tried to fit a gun in my mouth, only to have it fire once I got it in." Greed drank.

Jen asked, "Why would you shove a gun in your mouth?"

He replied, "To prove I could."

Armstrong's turn was next and he said, "I never left a flaming bag of dog-doo on the Furor's porch." Mustang, Thom, Kimblee, and Greed drank.

Ed says, "I never went to bed with three girls at once." Thom and Greed drank more.

Sloth said, "I never slept with Blast." Winry, Riza, and Lust drank.

Everyone stared at Thom in disbelief and he said, "Who do you think the three girls were?"

Riza yelled aloud, "There was beer involved people!"

Mustang shot him a glance that said _I shall set you ablaze._

Thom said, "I never slept with a farmer's daughter only to have the farmer barge in and shoot me in the crotch with a double-barreled shotgun." To no one's surprise, Greed drank.

Archer said, "I never tried to ride an electric floor buffer after a shot of tequila." Thom, Ed, and Mustang drank.

Jen said, "I never mooned and/or flashed Furor Bradley." Thom drank once more.

At that moment everyone in the room passed out.

The next morning, Thom woke with a killer hang-over. He got up and went to make a prairie oyster (an egg concoction that is good for hang-overs) and Greed got up and nearly fell over from lack of blood flow to his brain. Almost everyone else woke soon after, and all of them had major hang-overs. Archer was the only one still asleep.

Greed looked at him and asked, "Should we wake him up?"

Thom glanced over and said, "No, I have a better idea." With that said he walked over and put whipped cream onto Archer's hand, and messed with his nose. It didn't take long for him to slam the cream into his face.

Archer got pissed and said, "I am going to KILL YOU!"

Everyone started laughing, and Thom, Greed, Jen, Kimblee, Envy, and Ed went to therapy.

The scene closes.


	14. Therapy The Final Session

Chapter 14: Therapy, The Final Session

This is the last chapter of therapy. I have a surprise in store for the readers that I think that they will like. Thanks to all of you who reviewed my previous chapters.

For starters, if you recall from the last chapter, everyone is hung-over and fuses are short. Thom was sleeping fitfully in his chair, Kimblee was passed out on the ground, Envy and Ed were arguing about something, Jen was trying to revive Kimblee, and Greed was poking at Thom.

Mr. Rogers walked in with his now famous twitchy eye. He looked everyone, who were now wide awake, and said, "Hello again. Now I want you to tell me how your assignments went. You go first Edward, how did yours and Envy's reunion with your father go?"

Ed replied in an irritated tone, "Lousy. It was going fine until Envy tried to kill him."

twitch

Thom smirked and said, "Envy saw Hoenhiem, I'm surprised there's anything left of him."

Rogers turned to Jen and asked, "Jennifer, how did your date with Zolf go?"

Jen's face was grim as she answered, "It went fine until Kimblee got drunk, tried to drive, and crashed into the Furor's office! We got court-martialed, and we can't drive for three months!"

Kimblee said, "I said I was sorry. How many times do I have to say my bad?"

twitchy

Rogers looked like he was about to crack when he turned to Thom and asked, "How is your drinking problem going?"

Thom, however, wasn't listening due to the fact he was sucking his thumb in the fetal position.

Greed looked at Mr. Rogers and said, "He isn't doing very well. He can't smoke or drink and he's going crazy."

Mr. Rogers got up and walked out of the room. While he was gone Jen turned to Kimblee and asked, "Don't you have any ideas of how to get us out of here?"

Kimblee sarcastically replied, "Yeah, just turn around and I'll pull it out of the usual place."

Ed commented, "What we need is a weapon of mass destruction."

Thom raised his hands in the air, and said, "Hello, Blast Alchemist, walking weapon of mass destruction! Then we got Kimblee, a ticking time bomb, and Greed is the freaking Ultimate Shield."

Envy said, "So, what do you have in mind?"

Thom smiled and said, "You know, I have a personal quote, _There is no problem that can't be solved with the proper application of explosives_."

Kimblee replied, "I like your way of thinking."

At that moment, Mr. Rogers burst into the room and yelled, "I CAN"T WORK WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU ARE ALL INSANE!"

Thom looked at Kimblee and asked, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Kimblee replied, "If it involves the words Rogers go boom, then yes."

Thom and Kimblee walked over and blew Mr. Rogers apart, much to everyone's satisfaction.

The scene ends with the six of them walking away covered in pieces of Rogers's gore.

Please review


	15. Crazy Drunken Fun Part 1

Chapter 15: Crazy Drunken Fun, Part 1

Can't…write…too…much…sugar! I haven't put this in a while, but I don't own FMA. Enjoy my crazed ramblings. Sorry it took so long to update, please forgive me. I have some good news, I got a new schedule at work and I have more time off, so I can update quicker. I can come up with this stuff because my mind is full of crazy, random thoughts. I have three words for all of you, WORK IS HELL! Please review.

If you recall, in the last chapter, Rogers went BOOM! This chapter starts at the Devil's Nest, where everyone is celebrating freedom from therapy. Greed raised his beer and said, "I want to make a toast to Thom and Kimblee for freeing us by murdering that fruity bastard Rogers. I have a song regarding Rogers for us to sing. It goes like this." Greed and everyone started to the following song,

For he's a very dead fellow, for he's a very dead fellow,

For he's a very dead fellow, who got his ass blown away!

Thom left the party for a little while, and came back a few minutes later driving the Furor's limo! He walked back into the Nest and said, "Hey guys, come see what I found!" Greed walked out followed by Jen, Kimblee, Ed, Winry, Riza, Al, Mustang, Lust, and Archer.

Upon seeing the limo, Jen looked at Thom and said, "Is that the Furor's limo? YOU'RE INSANE!"

Thom smirked and said, "Hop in and let's have some fun. It's fully stocked with beer."

Greed yelled, "I got shotgun."

Kimblee turned to Jen and said, "I suggest you don't get too drunk, I will take advantage."

Jen frowned and said, "Thanks for the warning, now just get in the car."

They all got into the limo and Greed asked Thom, "How fast can this thing go?"

Thom grinned and said, "I don't know, but we are going to find out." He then slammed his foot onto the gas petal and the car took of down the road.

Everyone in the back started freaking out and Archer yelled at Thom, "You are the worst driver I have ever seen!"

Thom turned around and said, "Do you want me to come back there?"

Jen yelled, "TURN AROUND AND DRIVE, OR WE ARE GOING TO DIE!"

Thom slowed down to a stop right in front of Wal-Mart (I know, there weren't any Wal-Marts back then, but bare with me). Thom parked the car and they all went inside.

Now the fun begins (_evil laugh)_.

Riza turned to Jen and asked, "Of all the places your brother could have taken us, why Wal-Mart?"

Jen replied, "Thom works in mysterious and stupid ways."

As soon as they got inside, Ed started darting around, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible. Kimblee grabbed him and asked, "What in Ishbala's name are you doing?"

Ed replied, "Having fun."

Jen looked around a moment later and noticed that everyone was gone. She said to herself, "Oh-no, a bunch off drunken idiots loose in Wal-Mart can cause a world of trouble."

While she was looking for them, Thom, Greed, Kimblee, and Ed had started a race with the electronic carts. About half way down the isle, Ed crashed into an old lady and was disqualified. Greed slammed into the side of Kimblee and made him crash into the stuffed animals. Nobody won because Thom and Greed had a low-speed collision and fell on their sides.

After they got free, they went to the hardware isle and picked up some superglue. They went to the bathroom and put it on one of the toilet seats. Gluttony soon came by and sat on it. Lust happened to walk buy and heard Gluttony straining and saying, "Help! Help me! I can't get off, someone help me get off! Lust, help!"

Lust gulped and said, "I'm sure you'll be fine." She slowly backed away and left Gluttony glued to the toilet.

Author's note: There will be another chapter, THE CRAZED FUN HAS ONLY BEGUN! If you have some crazy things for me to put in, by all means let me know. Rock-on, people!


	16. Crazy Drunken Fun Part 2

Chapter 16: Crazy Drunken Fun Part 2: Prank calls and Karaoke

This chapter is for Slicer Alchemist who asked to join the "fun". When I wrote this, I was in a sing-song mood, so that is why this is a karaoke chapter. I don't own anything, except me own custom version of Janie's Got a Gun. Enjoy.

Thom and Greed were walking through the liquor isle looking for booze when Greed tripped and knocked over a whole shelf of Vodka. When the clerk came to see what happened, they both pointed to Scar, who just happened to walk by, and said, "He did it!" Then they ran away. While running, Blast ran into somebody and fell on his face. The man he ran into wore all black and had short dirty-blonde hair and blue-green eyes.

"Watch where you're going, I'm running here!"

The man glared at Thom and then a look of disbelief spread over his face. He then said, "Thom, I haven't seen you since the war in Ishbal."

Thom looked confused and then said, "Do I know you? Then the gears clicked in his head and he remembered him. "Rhett, is that you?"

Rhett grinned and said, "Slicer Alchemist, at your service."

Greed walked up, and noticing Slicer, asked, "Friend of yours?" Thom introduced the two to each other.

Kimblee had been walking towards them when the Oblivion Alchemist grabbed him by the back of his shirt. She asked him, "Where is my brother?"

Kimblee pointed in the opposite direction and said, "Over there, talking to some guy."

Jen glanced over and then smacked her head, saying, "Not him."

Meanwhile, Slicer asked Blast, "So, is your sister still around?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

Jen walked up behind Blast and, getting a freaked out look on his face, Slicer yelled, "Ah, it's the evil devil woman!"

Jen started lecturing Blast, Greed, and Kimblee for running off. During her lecture, Thom and Kimblee snuck away. While walking through the isles, Thom nudged Kimblee and said, "I've got an idea." He pulled out a cell phone and dialed the number to the Devil's Nest. When Dorchette answered, Thom masked his voice and said, "Is Al there?"

Dorchette asked, "Al who?"

Thom replied, "Al, last name, Coholic (alcoholic)"

Dorchette said, "let me check. Al Coholic, is there and Al Coholic here?"

Everyone in the bar started to laugh at him, and then he realized that it was a prank call. He yelled into the phone, "You better hope I don't find out who you are!"

They started to laugh and Kimblee knocked over a set of porcelain china. Scar walked by and they pointed at him again and said, "He did it!" The scene switches to the front of the store where everyone but Thom and Kimblee are gathered (For those of you wondering, Gluttony is still glued to the toilet). Greed and Mustang started laughing hysterically when they saw the store manager dragging the two missing alchemists by their ponytails.

He walked up to Jen and asked, "Are these yours?"

Jen sighed and said, "Unfortunately, yes, they are."

They all left Wal-Mart, with Slicer joining them since he had nothing better to do.

Thom decided to prank call the Devil's Nest again.

Dorchette answered the phone and Thom asked, "Is Oliver there?"

He asked, "Oliver who?"

Thom replied, "Oliver, last name, Clothesoff (all of her clothes off)."

Dorchette said, "Let me check. Oliver Clothesoff, call for Oliver Clothesoff."

More hysterical laughter

Dorchette realized it was another prank call and yelled, "Listen here you little punk, if I ever catch you, I'll cut your belly open!"

They all piled into the limo and drove back to the Devil's Nest. When they walked in, Thom, Greed, and Kimblee started to freak when they noticed that Scar was glaring at them from a bar stool.

Scar stood up and yelled at them, "I am going to kill you three! Because of you, I had to pay for all of that Vodka and the expensive china set."

Thom glanced at the bar behind him and noticed the small device that looked like a cross between a TV and stereo. He looked at Greed and asked, "When did you get the karaoke machine?"

Greed replied, "The last time I got hammered."

Kimblee said, "I know, let's play karaoke dare." Everyone stared at him funny, and he said, "It's a game where you dare someone to sing a song and if they don't do it, something bad happens to them. In this instance, you get locked in a room with Hughes and a zillion pictures of his daughter."

Thom says, "Ok. Hey Slicer, wanna play?"

Slicer replies, "I'll pass, thanks. I will however make sure anyone who doesn't sing gets locked in with Hughes."

Thom says, "Alright, I'll go first! Greed, I dare you to sing…Weenie in a Bottle."

Greed's jaw dropped and he said, "I hate you with every fiber of my being!" He then started to sing.

It feels like I've been alone too long

With no girls around my mind was wandering

Thinking of some way to release it

I looked in the kitchen, saw some Crisco oil

And that's when my blood started to boil

Oh yeah

Ow, ow, ow! (Uh-oh...)

Ow, ow, ow! (Oh God, what did I just do!)

No-one wanted to be with me

Had to make my dream come true

I wanted to hump something

I didn't know what to do

It seemed like a good idea

And no-one else was around

I stuck my weenie in a bottle

And now I can't get it out

I stuck my weenie in a bottle today

Got it jammed up in there all the way

I stuck my weenie in a bottle, oh no

Can't, can't someone come help me out

It's turning purple, all the feeling's gone

Now where did I put that friggin' phone!

Dial 9-1-1

Please pick up, I'm in a lot of pain

This was supposed to feel good, now I'm suffering

Oh please answer (Denver 911, what is your emergency?)

Ow, ow, ow! (Hello...?)

Ow, ow, ow! (Sir, what seems to be the problem?)

I stuck my weenie in a bottle.

Greed turned red and everyone started laughing. Greed said, "Very funny, now it's my turn. Fullmetal shrimp, I dare you to sins Janie's got a Gun."

Ed said, "Ok, but can I change it a little?"

Greed replied, "Go for it." Ed smirked and started to sing.

Riza's got a gun  
Riza's got a gun  
The safety's come undone  
Squinting in the Central sun  
What did The Furher do?  
What did he put Roy through?  
They say when Riza's got her gun out,  
You'll find her chasing Roy Mustang  
The Colonel had it comin'  
Cuz when Riza's got a gun  
She's very good at takin' aim  
Riza's got a gun  
Riza shot someone  
Mustang better run  
And better watch his flaming buns  
Tell her that the paperwork's not through  
She'll probably put a hole in you  
She tracked down Roy Mustang  
Hopin' to blow out his brains  
They say the spell that she gets under  
From single barrel thunder  
Makes Roy run away like he's insane  
Run away, run away from the first Lt. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
Run away, run away, run from Hawkeye-eye-eyee-eyee-eye  
Riza's got a gun  
The safety's come undone  
Mustang better run  
She's a weapon of mass destruction  
Everybody is on the run.

Everyone except for Hawkeye thought it was funny. Ed grinned and said, "My turn, and I dare Archer to sing I Feel Pretty!"

Archer yelled, "Oh come on!"

Roy looked at him and said, "It's either that or Hughes."

Archer sulked and said, "Ok." He reluctantly sang.

I feel pretty

Oh so pretty

I feel pretty, and witty and gay

And I pity

Any girl who isn't me today

I feel charming

Oh so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel

And so pretty

That I hardly can believe I'm real

See the pretty girl in that mirror there?

Who can that attractive girl be?

Such a pretty face

Such a pretty dress

Such a pretty smile

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing

Feel like running and dancing for joy

For I'm loved

By a pretty, wonderful boy!

Everyone burst out laughing, and then he said, "Now I dare Thom and Greed to sing Tit Willow."

Thom and Greed grumbled and then went to sing (any duets will be in script format, but it is just the duets, so please don't get me in trouble for it.).

Thom: On a tree by a river, a little tom tit sang willow,

Greed: Tit,

Thom: Willow,

Greed: Tit,

Thom: Willow, and I said to him, dickey bird why do you sit, singing willow,

Greed: Tit,

Thom: Willow,

Greed: Tit,

Thom: Willow, is it weakness of intellect birdie I cried,

Greed: Or a rather tough worm in your little insides,

Thom: With a shake of his poor little head, he replied, willow,

Greed: Tit,

Thom: willow,

Greed: Tit,

Both: Willoooow.

Kimblee laughed and said, "My turn, and I dare Al to sing Iron Man." Al got up and started to sing.

Now the time is here, for Iron Man to spread fear,

Vengeance from the grave, kill the people he once saved.

Heavy boots of lead, he will soon fill you with dread,

Running as fast as you can, Iron Man lives again!

"My turn, Roy sing Luck Be a Lady!" said Al. Roy got up and sang.

Luck be a lady tonight,

Luck be a lady tonight,

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with,

Luck be a lady tonight.

Luck let a gentleman see,

How nice a dame you can be,

I know the way you've treated other guys you've been with,

Luck be a lady to me!

Thom said, "Boy Roy, that was weak."

"Just when you think you know a guy," remarked Greed.

Jen's turn was next "Kimblee I dare you to sing the Peter Griffin Can't Touch Me song, only as you instead of Peter." Kimblee began to sing.

Can't touch me,

Can't touch me,

J-j-j-j-just like the bad guy from lethal weapon 2,

I've got diplomatic immunity, so hammer you can't sue,  
I can write graffiti even j-walk in the street,

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot,

And touch your sister's tiet,

Can't touch me,

Can't touch me,

Can't touch me,

Stop Kimblee time,

I'm a big shot, there's no doubt,

Light a fire, then pee it out,

Don't like it, kiss my rump,

Just for a minute, let's all do the bump,

Can't touch me,

Yeah, do the Zolf Kimblee bump, can't touch me,

I'm presidential Kimblee, interns think I'm hot,

Don't care if your handy-caped, I'll still park in your spot,

I've been around the world from Hartford to Bag bay,

Go Kimblee, its Kimblee, Yeah Kimblee, Yo Kimblee

Let's see Regis rap this way, can't touch me,

Except for you, you can touch me.

Amazingly everyone applauded him.

That is it for part two; part three is next (Duh)


	17. Crazy Drunken Fun Part 3

Chapter 17: Crazy Drunken Fun Part 3.

I HAVE RETURNED, BABY!!! I HAVE A MAJOR HALLOWEEN SUGAR HIGH TOO!!! Sorry I took a while to update, but my computer was being a bitch and wouldn't let me. I finally got it fixed so…. ON TO THE CHAPTER!!! (pant, pant, pant, ok I'm done.)

Kimblee smirked and said in a sing-song voice, "My turn again, I dare…" before he could finish, an explosion occurred and Writer appeared on the only bar stool that wasn't destroyed.

Greed glared at him and said, "Could you tone down the explosions, you just wrecked my bar stools!"

Writer said, "Lighten up, I can fix it with the snap of my fingers."

Greed asked, "You can?"

Writer grinned and said, "I could, but I didn't say I would."

Greed glared and said, "I don't like you very much."

Slicer looked at him and asked, "Who the hell is this guy?"

Thom answered, "He is the writer, and he is our god. Don't piss him off, right Kimblee?"

Kimblee makes rude hand gesture

Kimblee said, "It is still my turn, and I dare Writer to sing a song, I don't care what."

Writer sighed and said, "I'll sing a song called Achy Breaky Song." (Inside joke, see bottom to find out.)

You can torture me, with Donnie and Marie

You can play some Barry Manilow

Or you could play some schlock

Like New Kids on the Block

Or any Village People song you know.

Or play Vanilla Ice; hey you can play him twice,

And you can play the Bee Gees any day,

But Mr. DJ please, I'm beggin' on my knees,

I just can't take no more of Billy Ray.

Don't play that song, that achy breaky song

The most annoying song i know

And if you play that song, that achy breaky song

I might blow up my radio

OOOOOOOOOOOO

You can clear the room by playin' Debbie Boone

Or crank your ABBA records until dawn

Or I can even hear Slim Whitman or Zampher

Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon

Or play some Tiffany, on A-Track or CD

Or scrape your finger nails across a board,

Or tie me to a chair and kick me down the stairs

Just please don't play that stupid song no more

Don't play that song, that achy breaky song

You know I hate that song a bunch

And if you play that song, that nauseating song

It might just make me lose my lunch

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Don't play that song, that achy breaky song

I think it's driving me insane

Oh please don't play that song, that irritating song

I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain

Don't play that song, that achy breaky song

The most annoying song I know

And if you play that song, that achy breaky song

I might blow up my radio

After this song, Hughes burst from the closet and said, "I want to sing too."

Slicer picked up a pool cue, and used his alchemy to make it razor sharp. He thrusted it at Hughes saying, "Back foul beast! Back I say!"

Ed sweat dropped and said, "Okayyyy…Writer, it's your turn."

"Ok I dare Blast, Greed, and Kimblee to sing the Family guy FCC song."

Thom's jaw dropped and he complained, "What the hell! How do you expect us to do that?"

Writer grinned maliciously and said, "It's either that or Hughes' daughter, and I hear he has a nice collection of summer wear pictures."

All three of them yelled, "We'll do it!"

Greed: Oh yeah, I know all about the FCC. They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.

Kimblee: They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a piss.

Thom: And they'll make you call fillacio a trouser friendly kiss.

All: Here's the plain situation, there's no negotiation with the fellas at the freak'n FCC.

Kimblee: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.

Greed: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.

Thom: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.

All: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by mess'n with the fellas at the freak'n FCC.

Greed: And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling, cuz you can't say penis. So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.

Kimblee: And they stuck it in your mailbox, hoping you could be coerced.

Thom: I can think of quiet another place they should have stuck it first.

All: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freak'n FCC!"

hysterical laughter all around

"Who's turn is it?" asked Al.

"Well, it's my turn, but Kimblee looks like he's itching to say something, so I'll let him go," said Greed.

Kimblee grinned and said, "Oh yeah!"

Jen slapped her head and said, "Why do I have the feeling I'm not gonna like this?"

Kimblee said, "I dare you to sing Boom Boom Boom Boom."

Jen's stomach lurched and she said, "Ah crap… Let's get this over with…"

If you're alone and you need a friend

Someone to make you forget your problems

Just come along baby, take my hand

I'll be your lover tonight

Whoaa whoaa

This is what I wanna do

Whoaa whoaa

Let's have some fun

Whoaa whoaa

One on one just me and you

Whoaa whoaa

Boom boom boom boom

I want you in my room

We'll spend the night together

From now until forever

Boom boom boom boom

I wanna go boom boom

And spend the night together

Together in my room

There was a pause, followed by an outbreak of seizures and Blast slipping into a coma, all caused by laughter.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now. The next chapter will be up soon, now that my comp. is working right.

Until then, Blast Alchemist out. Later.

Oh and the joke about the Achy Breaky Song is that my grandma used to make me sing Achy Breaky Heart to her when I was a kid, so I hate that song with a bloody passion, and make fun of it whenever possible. Oh and also, BILLY RAY SIRUS CAN DIE A SLOW, PAINFULL DEATH AND BURN IN HELL FOR CURSING ME WITH THAT DAMNED SONG!!!!


	18. Crazy Drunken Fun Part 4

Chapter 18: Crazy Drunken Fun Part 4: Funs Over.

Howdy-ho everybody! I'm back to fill your day with laughter once again.

I don't own sh-t, so…DON'T SUE ME!!!

Well, it was Blast's turn, but he's in a coma, so Archer (who just recovered from his seizure) took his turn. Archer looked around and said, "I've had enough of this karaoke crap, so let's do something else."

Greed replied, "Yeah, so somebody grab Captain Coma over there and get in the limo."

Kimblee yelled, "I call shotgun!"

Envy said, "I'm driving!" Everybody gasps out of shock.

Throwing Blast's unconscious carcass into the back, everyone entered the limo. Envy started the car and, not five minutes later, crashed into the Fuhrer's house. Everyone jumped out, and with Greed and Kimblee carrying Thom, ran off in various directions as the Fuhrer ran outside. While Greed and Kimblee stopped to catch their breath outside by a bakery dumpster, a discarded barrel of honey fell on Blast, coating him in the sticky goo and awakening him.

Blast peeled himself off of the ground and asked, "Why am I all sticky and covered in honey? Did I miss something fun?" As Greed and Kimblee filled him in on the details, the others rejoined them.

After being filled in, Thom turned to Envy and said, "You moron! Once again, your stupidity nearly killed us!" Everyone stood in shock, staring at Blast. Sensing something was amiss, he asked, "Pride's right behind me isn't he?" He turned around to meet with the unwelcoming face of the Fuhrer. Gulping, he remarked, "Oh well, we're boned."

Ten minutes later, they were all packed into the Fuhrer's living room, while he screamed his head off at them. The Fuhrer looked from Blast to Kimblee to Greed and snapped, "You are in the worst trouble of all! You for stealing my limo, you two for joy-riding in it," and turning to Envy, "and you for wrecking it, along with half of my house! Soldiers, take them away to be punished! The rest of you will pay for every cent of the damages."

Amidst the noise of various grumbles and pens scratching against the surface of checkbooks, Oblivion asked what would happen to the other four.

Pride grinned and said, "They'll get what's coming to them."

Meanwhile, Blast, Greed, Kimblee, and Envy are being led into a very familiar looking room. Kimblee looked around, talking in the blood-stained padded walls and barred windows. He exclaimed, "Hey! Isn't this Mr. Rogers' office?" Thom glanced at the ceiling and said, "Yeah, there's still a piece of him up there!" The soldiers strapped them in to chairs, and hastily retreated as a mechanism in the far corner was activated.

Two hours later, the others went to retrieve their friends. When they asked the guards what happened, they explained that the 'mechanism' was merely a very large t.v. set and the 'torture' was continuous reruns of Barney and Friends.

One of the guards shuddered and said, "I really feel sorry for those guys." They opened the door and walked inside, only to notice Blast in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position muttering, "I love you…you love me…" Kimblee sat slumped in his chair with drool seeping out of his mouth. Due to the various dents in the walls, it was apparent that Greed, who was unconscious on the ground, had slammed his head into the wall many times.

Envy remarked with a cheery grin on his face, "That was the best torture I've ever been through."

Jen shook her head and said, "I knew he wasn't right in the head."

They gathered their fallen friends and dragged them back to the Devil's Nest. Once there, they put Greed, Blast, and Kimblee through a strict de-barnification process. (Don't ask what that means, I'm not even sure.)


	19. Blast's New Groove, and Theme Songs

Chapter 19: Blast's New Groove and Theme Songs.

In this chapter I will be giving everyone a theme song. The inspiration for this came from me watching The Emperors New Groove and then playing Guitar Hero. Also to Flames, Chaos, and Wolf: I will answer your request and tell you what the de-barnification process is. I own nothing.

Jen and Archer walked into the Devil's Nest and saw Blast on the couch, tuning a guitar.

"What the hell are you doing," asked Archer.

Blast replied, "Tuning a guitar."

Rolling his eyes, Archer said, "I can see that, but why are you tuning it?"

Seriously, Blast replied, "To play it."

Archer looked surprised and said, "I didn't know you could play guitar."

Blast grinned and said, "There's a lot about me you don't know." He then started to play 'Smoke on the Water' flawlessly.

Archer's jaw dropped and he said, "That was…awesome."

Blast cocked his eyebrow and said, "Yeah, especially since I've never played a guitar before."

"What! How the hell were you playing that song then?"

"I don't know. Oh well, I'm going to go get a beer." Blast got up and started to walk/dance like Kusco from The Emperor's New Groove. Wrath stepped in front of him and 'threw off his groove.' Blast looked outraged and said, "You threw off my groove!" Kimblee walked up and, laying a hand on Wrath's shoulder, said, "I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the psycho's groove." He then lifted Wrath up and threw him out the window.

Greed happened to walk down the road as Wrath hit the ground. He asked, "What happened to you?"

"I threw off Blast's groove!"

"His what?"

"His groove, the rhythm in which he has been living his life for the last five minutes," replied Wrath. As Greed started to walk away he screamed, "Don't throw off his groove! Beware the groove!"

"Okay," Greed replied, walking into the Devil's Nest. He walked over to Blast and asked, "What's up with you?"

A familiar voice said from behind them said, "He's probably still recovering from the Barney episode." They all turned around to see Writer sitting at a table, sipping a glass of wine.

Greed looked at him and said, "Hey, you didn't blow anything up! Wait, what happened to you?" He was talking about the fact that Writer no longer dressed like Blast. His hair was loose and straight, and he wore a full white suit. "I decided to change my look. What do you think?"

Archer replied, "You look like you stole that suit from Morgan Freeman (Bruce Almighty)."

Writer merely smiled and asked, "How was the de-barneyfiying?"

Blast snapped back, "DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT!"

The scene flashes back to the morning after the 'torture.'

Blast, Greed, and Kimblee are zoned out on the couch while Oblivion and the rest of the Devil's Nest crew try to figure out how to de-barneyfy them. Jen looked at Law and asked, "Well, what do we do now?"

Law shook his head and said, "I'm not sure. The hardest core porn didn't bring them back, so I'm out of ideas."

Marta said, "We're gonna have to re-acquaint them with a little thing called sleaze. We'll need the help of an expert. Archer, get in here!"

Dorochet commented, "But, he's a different kind of sleaze."

Jen looked at him and replied, "We don't have a lot of options."

Stepping forward, Archer said, "Alright, leave this to me." He dragged the three of them into the next room. Moments later, blood-curdling screams erupted from behind the closed door. An hour later, Archer emerged.

"Well?" they all asked.

"I did everything I could," he replied.

They all gasped and said, "You mean they're…"

"Good as new, yes," he said.

The trio walked out of the room, looking completely normal.

Marta asked, "What did you do to them?"

"Simple," he said. "I merely showed the continuous footage of Barney's death and pumped straight alcohol into their bloodstreams."

(End flashback)

"Thank you for opening old wounds, Writer."

"Hey, it's what I do. I have something that might cheer you up. I have given you all your own theme song."

_SNAP_

Looking around, Blast said, "Nothing is happening."

Writer replied, "Get up, and try it out."

Blast got up and his theme song started to play.

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion _

_Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion _

_I was soaring ever higher _

_But I flew too high _

_Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man _

_Though my mind could think I still was a mad man _

_I hear the voices when I'm dreaming _

_I can hear them say _

_Carry on my wayward son _

_There'll be peace when you are done _

_Lay your weary head to rest _

_Don't you cry no more _

_Masquerading as a man with a reason _

_My charade is the event of the season _

_And if I claim to be a wise man, well _

_It surely means that I don't know _

_On a stormy sea of moving emotion _

_Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean _

_I set a course for winds of fortune _

_But I hear the voices say _

_Carry on my wayward son _

_There'll be peace when you are done _

_Lay your weary head to rest _

_Don't you cry no more _

Blast looked at Writer and said, "You'll have to explain that one."

"Simple," Writer explained, "I made you, so technically, you're my son, and your wayward from the military."

"I guess that makes sense, but I thought I was your alter-ego."

"Good point…" Writer replied. Kimblee walked into the room. "Hello Kimblee, I have something for you."

Kimblee cringed. "I don't think I want anything from you…"

"It's nothing bad, just a theme song."

Kimblee replied, "I get a theme song? Is my popularity that high?"

_SNAP_

_Die, die, die my darling_

_Don't utter a single word_

_Die, die, die my darling_

_Just shut your pretty eyes_

_I'll be seeing you again_

_I'll be seeing you in hell_

_So don't cry to me oh baby_

_Your future's in an oblong box_

_Don't cry to me oh baby_

_You should have seen it a-coming on_

_Don't cry to me oh baby_

_Had to know it was in your cards_

_Don't cry to me oh baby_

_Dead-end zone for a dead-end girl_

_Don't cry to me oh baby_

_Now your life drains on that floor_

_Don't cry to me oh baby_

_Die, die, die my darling_

_Don't utter a single word_

_Die, die, die my darling_

_Just shut your pretty mouth_

_I'll be seeing you again_

_I'll be seeing you in hell_

"Cool, my song rocks." Kimblee said grinning.

"It's your turn Jen."

Jen frowned and said, "Nothing cheery I hope."

Writer replied, "No, it's actually kinda dark."

_I can't escape this hell _

_So many times I've tried _

_But I'm still caged inside _

_Somebody get me through this nightmare _

_I can't control myself _

_So what if you can see _

_The darkest side of me _

_No one would ever change this animal I have become _

_Help me believe, It's not the real me _

_Somebody help me tame this animal (this animal x's 2) _

_I can't escape myself _

_So many times I've lied _

_But there's still rage inside _

_Somebody get me through this nightmare _

_I can't control myself _

_So what if you can see _

_The darkest side of me _

_No one would ever change this animal I have become _

_Help me believe, It's not the real me _

_Somebody help me tame this animal I have become _

_Help me believe, It's not the real me _

_Somebody help me tame this animal _

"Not bad I guess." Jen said.

Writer smiled and snapped again. This time Scar appeared.

"How did I get here?" he asked.

"I brought you here to give you a theme song," Writer answered.

SNAP

_I've told you this once before_

_Can't control me_

_If you try to take me down _

_You're gonna break_

_I feel your every "nothing" that you're doing for me_

_I'm thinking you ought to make your own way_

_I stand alone_

_Inside_

_I stand alone_

_You're always hiding behind your so-called goddess_

_So what_

_You don't think that we can see your face_

_Been resurrected back before the final falling_

_And I'll never rest until I can make my own way_

_(I'm not afraid of fading)_

_I stand alone_

_Feeling your sting down inside me_

_I'm not dying for it_

_I stand alone_

_Everything that I believe is fading_

_I stand alone _

_Inside_

_I stand alone_

"…Acceptable," Scar said.

"I thought you might like it."

Ed, who had walked in a moment ago, asked, "Do I have a theme?"

Writer gulped and replied, "Well…yes, but I don't think you'll like it…" Ed still persisted. Writer finally gave in. "Alright," He said, "but don't say I didn't warn you…"

_Have a little love on a little honeymoon_

_You got a little dish and you got a little spoon_

_A little bitty house and a little bitty yard_

_A little bitty dog and a little bitty car._

_Well, it's alright to be little bitty_

_A little hometown or a big old city_

_Might as well share, might as well smile_

_Life goes on for a little bitty while._

_A little bitty baby in a little bitty gown_

_It'll grow up in a little bitty town_

_A big yellow bus and little bitty books_

_It all started with a little bitty look._

_Well, it's alright to be little bitty_

_A little hometown or a big old city_

_Might as well share, might as well smile_

_Life goes on for a little bitty while._

_You know you got a job and a little bitty check_

_A six pack of beer and television set_

_Little bitty world goes around and around_

_Little bit of silence and a little bit of sound._

_A good ole boy and a pretty little girl_

_Start all over in a little bitty world_

_Little bitty plan and a little bitty dream_

_It's all part of a little bitty scheme._

_It's alright to be little bitty_

_A little hometown or a big old city_

_Might as well share, might as well smile_

_Life goes on for a little bitty while._

_It's alright to be little bitty_

_A little hometown or a big old city_

_Might as well share, might as well smile_

_Life goes on for a little bitty while._

_(Whoooo)..._

(I did theme songs just to pull this joke on Ed.)

Ed went into one of his tantrums and yelled, "WRITER YOU BASTARD!!! YOU DID THAT SONG JUST TO PISS ME OFF!!!"

"Yes, yes I did."

Lust had walked in just as the song had started to play, and was now laughing her head off. Writer grinned and said, "Keep laughing, because you're next Lust."

"WHAT?!" She asked surprised.

_I know a thing or two about her_

_I know she'll only make you cry_

_She'll let you walk the street beside her_

_But when she wants she'll pass you by_

_Ev'rybody said she's lookin' good_

_And the lady knows it's understood_

_Strutter!_

_Strutter!_

_Strutter!_

_She wears her satin like a lady_

_She gets her away just like a child_

_You take her home and she says "Maybe, baby"_

_She brings down and drives you wild_

_Ev'rybody said she's lookin' good_

_And the lady knows it's understood_

_Strutter!_

"Oh well," She said, "At least it isn't as bad as Ed's." Everyone started laughing, and then Writer said, "Greed, your last."

_I, I'm driving black on black _

_Just got my license back_

_I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track_

_I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride_

_Because the angel on my right ain't hanging out with me tonight_

_I'm driving past your house while you were sneaking out _

_I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run_

_Your mom don't know that you were missing_

_She'd be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I've been kissing_

_Screamin'_

_No, we're never gonna quit_

_Ain't nothing wrong with it_

_Just acting like we're animals_

_No, no matter where we go_

'_Cause everybody knows_

_We're just a couple of animals_

_So come on baby, get in_

_Get in, just get in_

_Check out the trouble we're in_

_You're beside me on the seat_

_Got your hand between my knees_

_And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze_

_It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear_

_But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears_

_By now, no doubt that we were heading south_

_I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth_

'_Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch_

_It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch_

_I'm screamin'_

_No, we're never gonna quit_

_Ain't nothing wrong with it_

_Just acting like we're animals_

_No, no matter where we go_

'_Cause everybody knows_

_We're just a couple of animals_

_So come on baby, get in_

_Get in, just get in_

_Look at the trouble we're in_

_We were parked out by the tracks_

_We're sitting in the back_

_And we just started getting busy _

_When she whispered "what was that?"_

_The wind, I think 'cause no one else knows where we are_

_And that was when she started screamin' _

"_That's my dad outside the car!"_

_Oh please, the keys, they're not in the ignition_

_Must have wound up on the floor while _

_we were switching our positions_

_I guess they knew that she was missing_

_As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing_

_Screamin'_

_No, we're never gonna quit_

_Ain't nothing wrong with it_

_Just acting like we're animals_

_No, no matter where we go_

'_Cause everybody knows_

_We're just a couple animals_

_So come on baby, get in_

_We're just a couple of animals_

_Get in, just get in_

_Ain't nothing wrong with it_

_Check out the trouble we're in_

_Get in, just get in_

"The song suits me." Greed said with a grin.

Everyone left the room but Writer and Thom. Thom looked at Writer and said, "I want to make things happen when I snap my fingers too." Writer looked back at him and said, "But you can do that already. Try it."

Thom snapped. "Nothing happened." he said. Writer was about to say something when Greed walked into the room covered in soot, with smoke coming off of him. He looked at them and said, "Okay, I'm freaked out. My television just blew-up." He shot a knowing glance at Thom and asked, "You wouldn't know anything about it would you?"

"Nope," he replied innocently.

Greed said, "Whatever, I'm, gonna finish watching Baywatch in here."

Thom jumped up and said, "Baywatch is on? SWEET!" The scene ends with the three of them watching Baywatch.

The songs I used were:

Thom: Kansas- Carry on My Wayward Son

Kimblee: Metallica- Die, Die, Die My Darling

Jen: Three Days Grace- Animal I Have Become

Scar: God smack- I Stand Alone

Ed: Allan Jackson- Little Bitty

Lust: Kiss- Strutter

Greed: Nickleback- Animals


End file.
